Why Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei Should Attend The SQL PASS SummitIt is commonplace for major events like the Oscars to start off with a funny skit. I think SQL PASS should open the SQL PASS Summit 2011 with Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei re-enacting one of their famous scenes from the movie My Cousin Vinny … with some slight changes, of course. If I was allowed to rewrite the scene to fit the audience, it would go something like this:
Vinny: Your Honor, the defense calls as its first witness, Ms. Mona Lisa Vito.
Trotter: Objection. This person is not on the witness list.
Vinny: This witness is an expert in the area of databases and is being called as a witness to rebut the testimony of George Wilbur.
(Lisa shakes her head and turns and walks out.)
Vinny: Your Honor, could you instruct the bailiff to lead Ms. Vito to the stand?
(The bailiff runs outside and comes back in with Ms. Vito.)
Bailiff: Hold up your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?
Vinny: Ms. Vito, you’re some kind of an expert in databases, is that correct?
(Lisa glares at Vinny.)
Judge: Will you please answer the counsellor’s question?
Lisa: No. I hate him.
Vinny: Your Honor, may I have your permissions to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?
Lisa: You think I’m hostile now, wait ’til you see me tonight.
Judge: Do you two know each other?
Vinny: She’s my fiancee.
Judge: Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.
Trotter: Your Honor, I object to this witness – improper foundation. I’m not aware of this person’s qualifications. I’d like the opportunity to voir dire teh witness to the extent of her expertise.
Judge: Granted. Mr Trotter, you may proceed.
Trotter: Ms. Vito, what is your current professions?
Lisa: I’m an out-of-work hairdresser.
Trotter: In what way does this qualify you to be an expert in databases?
Lisa: It doesn’t.
Trotter: In what way are you qualified?
Lisa: Well, my father was an MCM, his father was an MCM, my three brothers are MCMs, four uncles on my father’s side are MCMs…
Trotter: Your family is obviously qualified, but have you ever worked as an MCM?
Lisa: In my father’s data center – yeah.
Trotter: As an MCM – what did you do in your father’s data center?
Lisa: Well … performance tune-ups, server collation changes, index rebuilding, rebuilt some tranny replication, backups…
Trotter: Does being an ex-MCM necessarily qualify you as an expert on SQL XPath?
Lisa: No. (gets up to leave stand) Thank you…goodbye.
Judge: Sit down and stay until you’re told to leave.
Vinny: Your Honor, Ms. Vito’s expertise is in general database knowledge. It is in this area that her testimony will be applicable. If Mr. Trotter wishes to voir dire the witness to the extent of her expertise in this area, I’m sure he’ll be satisfied.
Trotter: Alright… (to Lisa) Being an expert in general database knowledge, can you tell me … what would be the correct setting to configure backup compression for a SQL Server 2005 running Standard Edition with Service Pack 1?
Lisa: It’s a bullshit question.
Trotter: Does that mean that you can’t answer it?
Lisa: It’s a bullshit question, it’s impossible to answer.
Trotter: Impossible because you don’t know the answer!
Lisa: Nobody could answer that question!
Trotter: Your Honor, I move to disqualify Ms. Vito as a “expert witness”!
Judge: Can you answer the question?
Lisa: No, it is a trick question!
Judge: Why is it a trick question?
Vinny: (to Bill) Watch this.
Lisa: ‘Cause Microsoft didn’t make backup compression in SQL 2005, backup compression didn’t come out till SQL 2008. And it wasn’t offered in Standard Edition until SQL Server 2008 R2. However, in SQL 2008 R2 Standard Edition, the correct setting would be “Exec sp_configure ‘backup compression default’, 1;” or use “WITH COMPRESSION” in the backup command.
Trotter: Well… um… she’s acceptable, Your Honor.